Day 27 ~

I've written about awareness and puzzle pieces coming together; this may be a good opportunity to explain "seeing" things and heart-intelligence in a glimpse at my story. You may come up with similar experiences in your own life both past and present. It's the awareness of connections I hope you'll begin to appreciate and realize do add a significant dimension to life.

I once found a relatively large rock broken into 6 sections I could repiece, and it looked like a puzzle. My partner and I had gone to great lengths to walk it, 2 pieces at a time, back to our vehicle. The first thing my dearest friend said was, "It looks like a puzzle!" I knew nothing of what was ahead. It's been ten years since that time when I was bombarded with awareness.

But not enough to help me stop the destruction I created after finding Puzzle Rock.  Could this have been my heart sending unknown "messages" because it knows exactly who I am? The details of that story are written in my unfinished book when I was more unaware than I realized.

"Just after" finding that rock, life began to propel us in unexpected ways. Our special dog was hit by a car and put down, our rented home sold just 12 days after my daughter graduated, when for 5 years, my "prayer" had been for it not to sell until she graduated. I took that rock to our next two homes.

I ask if my heart's intelligence knew every aspect of me, myself, and I? Did it know if I didn't change, the puzzle pieces would be shown to me to piece together in time? I can't answer that of course, but I'm confident enough on Awareness Ave. to speculate the absolute possibility. Is it a coincidence things began to intensify as I was approaching mid-life?

How were things supposed to change if I couldn't acknowledge my own self? I'd already been in a critical "accident", my life was literally saved by my two children who were nearly 4 and 6 at the time, I met the most wonderful man to help me raise my children and open my awareness of "God", and still I couldn't understand my self.

I hadn't grasped the understanding of unconditional love with instinct, every person we meet being energetically connected for us to learn, or how adequate food and shelter is enough. I was very consumed with desire, impatience, and somehow victimized by the life I lead, because I didn't feel I was doing anything with a sense of purpose.

I was a very slow learner, and still am to a degree, and I know I'm piecing together a puzzle about awareness I certainly could have used ten years ago. A huge puzzle piece I have a hard time fitting into forgiveness is that nearly 4 years ago I made a very serious attempt to end my life, which I believed was not the answer. I lost faith in life.

But that's another story. And I'm now wearing the hideous arms I savagely sawed into with a bread knife to get to the big vein at my elbow, tried to overdose, electrocute, and drown, the same day, all without "successful" results. My failure humbled me in a very essential way. I will live out the rest of my days with evidence of my loss of faith. Or did it somehow strengthen?

Day 27 carries it's own significance for me, because I associate it with my daughter's "lucky number". When I started writing today, I had zero intention of mentioning what I'd done Friday the 13th, one week before turning 52. Yet here it is on my 27th day of writing on Awareness Ave.

Somehow horrific scenarios have a way of inspiring one to seek truth.

Always ~ LL