Oh my, an hour and a half after I was supposed to leave for an orientation on volunteering in a facility that helps grieving children, I looked at the clock as I sat down with something I'd just cooked for supper.
My heart sank in utter disbelief; how could I let something I'd planned slip completely from my awareness? Why? Was I feeling a sense of "high" because I'd finally found another way to feel I can contribute to society (writing this), which lead me to ignore others? Or am I simply being too hard on myself again?
Either way, I'm horrified I could have so "conveniently" spaced on something I'd been planning for a couple weeks. Hours before I was to leave, I even set out my bag with water, pen, paper and directions by the door.
I realize I've had a traumatic brain injury (TBI) since '89, but does that mean something like this is what's been happening over and over for years that I just can't explain? I hate to make excuses for things like this. Relatively speaking, things like this happen all the time: for weeks (right up to the eleventh hour) I seriously believe I'm going to two places at the same time, same day, whatever.
I've never been able to explain why or how it happens. In 2005 I was taught to implement strategies to help me cope with being on my own for the first time in my life. I should have set a timer when to leave, but I'd gotten so caught up in myself when I was writing yesterday. I guess there is nothing more I can do except to forgive myself and call to apologize. Well that's not going to go over too good as a perspective volunteer.
But I counter with believing if I'd absolutely had it as a top priority I never would have spaced. Does that "get me off the hook"? I could justify no one was relying on me to be there, so a call to apologize should cover it.
Do similar things happen in your life? Do you figuratively beat yourself up? Or worse; then physically allowing yourself to make wrong choices to control not feeling? Do you let those things control your self-worth? I absolutely have, and still do at times, but as they say, "Awareness is curative."
So wouldn't this be a perfect time to bring up God? No, I honestly don't wish to be a "Bible Thumper" because my opinion is that the Bible has taken a person's accountability for helping themselves away and puts it into the hands of some mystical figure. No offense, again, to God, and yes this higher power is also within us (if I understand the Holy Spirit). but in general a person's higher power is the energy within all living things that governs things like evolution and gravity. How can any scientist explain just these two things?
Don't you agree that we should be in awe of things so incredible? Don't you think it's reasonable to revere such unfathomable power? I believe that's the intention of churches, but organized religion has taken the power away from us and put it into their hands. I'd say this is probably why my father resisted God so much, and put all his energy into being a medical doctor.
But my awareness today is how everything happens just as its supposed to and there is no blame for parents' decisions. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger? Yes, I believe the innate survival instinct of ALL animals is the energy within evolution. And aren't we humans fortunate we got the brain to think and create! Did greed overpower love for the oneness of life?
I say oneness of life because it's my belief that the energy of evolution runs through every living thing on our planet. When that energy is for survival and the highest good for the whole of life doesn't it make sense the results only go in a positive direction? Isn't that where the Golden Rule came from? Doesn't that sound like unconditional love?
Unconditional love for ourselves does not include feelings of "What's in it for me?". This breeds greed. Our planet is being consumed with greed, which creates corruption, control, and a myriad of negativity which brings down society.
There is hope; awareness is curative.
Always ~ LL
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